Masterclasses 10: Social Intelligence and Boundaries
Our boundaries are the most fundamental aspect of our sense of self. Without them, we cannot exist as an individual in this world. A life without our own boundaries calling the shots in our life leaves us in a vacuum, a vacuum that will be filled by someone else.
“LEARNING ABOUT THE BOUNDARIES I HAVE HAS BEEN EYE-OPENING. I’M SEEING HOW EVERYTHING IS CONNECTED. I GUESS BASICALLY MAPPING THE PATTERNS THAT I HAVE ALREADY ALIVE IN ME, WHAT THEY LOOK LIKE AND HOW I'M COPING HAS HAD A HUGE IMPACT ON ME. DURING THIS MASTERCLASS I HAVE COME TO REALISE THAT LOTS OF THINGS HAVE BEEN PRESENT FOR A REALLY LONG TIME WITHOUT ME NOTICING.”
From your earliest experiences as a child, you had to follow the advice and rules of your parents/ caregivers. In many families this included directives such as “kiss your uncle/ aunty hello”, when you had to go to bed and what to eat. Whilst rules were necessary when you were a child (because you needed to be raised), there are some “hangovers” that linger. The most nefarious message you learned is that your own sense of your own needs and boundaries are less important than the views of someone else (e.g. your caregivers). Also having a significant impact on how you set your boundaries was the way your caregivers expressed (or not) love for you - were you loved unconditionally or only when you behaved a certain way? Perhaps your parents divorced when you were a child or were emotionally or physically violent or suffered addictions - whether to work, alcohol or drugs the impacts can be identical. Whatever the case, you learned to set your boundaries in your earliest years. They have continued to be shaped by your life’s experiences. Even those of you who believe you had a “normal” or “great” childhood will have picked up some boundary habits that don’t serve you.
“THIS COURSE WAS THE BEGINNING OF SOMETHING NEW. I THOUGHT I HELD PRETTY HEALTHY BOUNDARIES BUT I REALISED HOW PAINFUL SOME CAN BE TO SET. THIS MEANT I AVOIDED SETTING SOME REALLY IMPORTANT ONES. I CAN SEE NOW THAT WHEN I FAILED TO SET THOSE BOUNDARIES I IMPACTED MYSELF AND OTHERS. I NOW HAVE THE INSIGHT, MOTIVATION, TOOLS AND SKILLS TO SET THEM.”
Boundary problems manifest themselves in a number of ways, perhaps you are too busy with an overstuffed schedule, flat out and always doing things for other people. Or perhaps you have patterns in your life that keep repeating - whether in your private or professional life. If you feel like other people don’t respect you and walk all over you then you have boundary issues. Conversely, you may be a hard ass, disconnected and feeling a lack of real connection in your life. Even chronic anxiety and depression are signs of boundary work being needed. Significantly, all healing from trauma needs work to restore your boundaries first because all trauma begins with a boundary breach.
“MY HUSBAND & I DID THE COURSE TOGETHER & HAS BEEN A REAL GAME CHANGER FOR US. WE BOTH COMMUNICATE BETTER. IT HAS ALSO GIVEN ME THE TOOLS TO START A MORE AUTHENTIC LIFE.”
The good news is that you can rewire your entire approach to boundary setting and move it from a mostly unconscious process to a life-affirming and energy-giving part of your existence. In what appears to be a paradoxical state of affairs, good boundaries create freedom. This is because at the deepest level you, like everyone else, need to occupy space in order to exist. The space occupied is physical, emotional, energetic, sexual, intellectual - even time. When you have enough space to occupy, then you have self-confidence, self-love and the ability to be yourself. Without enough space you can collapse and find yourself at best off balance and at worst in an abusive relationship, toxic workplace and/ or living someone else's ideas about how you should live.
"IN THE BOUNDARIES MASTERCLASS I FELT THE TYPE AND DEPTH OF CONNECTION AND SUPPORT I NEEDED FOR ME TO MAKE MY DEEP INQUIRY INTO MY BOUNDARIES WITH MYSELF AND THE OTHER PEOPLE IN MY LIFE. I LOVED THE SOLID THEORETICAL BACKGROUND (LIKE THE WEAVING OF INFORMATION ABOUT ATTACHMENT THEORY AND THE RELATIONSHIP OF BOUNDARIES IN FAMILIES). DEEP MATERIAL SERVED UP ON A LIGHTNESS TRAY."
OUR Social Intelligence and BOUNDARIES MASTERCLASS IS RUN IN 2 X 6-WEEK Terms. IN THESE COURSES YOU WILL UNDERSTAND:
How your boundary setting has been shaped by your culture, family of origin and religion/ spiritual values you were brought up with.
The way that codependency, trauma, manipulation, coward’s bargains and the psychological paradigms of attachment and drama triangle dynamics shape your relationships AND what to do about them in a healthy way.
Learn how to say “no” to people in a way that empowers you and them, rather than leaving you feeling guilty and ashamed or frustrated for caving-in and saying “yes”.
How to use our specially-designed boundaries audit tool to take stock of the relationships in your life.
How to speak with your loved ones and colleges to set and and maintain healthy boundaries using the basics of nonviolent communication.
How to shift your life from living on the backfoot to having a clear idea of your values and direction and the tools to express yourself.
Have an introduction to having difficult and honest conversations with people you love that you haven’t known how to approach.
“DR AMAR IS A CONFIDENT FACILITATOR SHARING HIS KNOWLEDGE I'M SENSING COMES FROM EXPERIENCE OF WHAT HE TEACHES. HE LISTENS & HEARS NOT ONLY THE WORDS SOMEONE SPEAKS BUT ALSO THE EMOTIONS & THOUGHTS BEHIND THE WORDS. SANDY IS SO BEAUTIFULLY REAL IT'S REFRESHING. SHE OFTEN ADDS A DIFFERENT PERSPECTIVE FROM WHAT'S OBVIOUS IN THE DISCUSSION AND I FIND THAT A TRULY BRILLIANT SKILL.”
“DR AMAR KEEPS AN EYE ON THE GROUP AND PICKS UP WHEN DIFFERENT FOLKS ARE LOOKING TO SHARE OR ASK QUESTIONS. HE LETS THE NIGHT FLOW WITHOUT FORCING THINGS TO STAY TOO TIGHTLY TO A STRUCTURE AND OFFERS EXCELLENT SUPPORT. I FELT CARED FOR AND LISTENED TO IN THE SPACE. DR AMAR OBVIOUSLY HAS A DEEP UNDERSTANDING OF WHAT HE'S SHARING.”